Holy Diet Failure Batman!

So the week I pledge to get back on board… happens to be the week that involves tons of rich food and buckets of alcohol.

Ok maybe not BUCKETS but still.

Friday: Go to Mexican restaurant Tequila Joe’s = two Raspberry Margaritas, a big honkin’ burrito and an unfortunate amount of homemade tortilla chips. But people HOW do you go to a Mexican restaurant and not indulge in beany, cheesy, crunchy deliciousness that is a burrito? How does one resist sucking down a delicious, smooth, tequila and sugar loaded raspberry (I may have an obsession) that is perfectly salted and in a cute, colorful glass. Diet be damned, it’d be a crime against humanity not to partake in these events!

Saturday: Bachelorette celebrations weren’t so bad in the food department…. but the drinks-OH THE DRINKS- I had to consume. And yes, had, to consume. I mean I was expected, nay forced by the mystical forces of estrogen to dance and dance and dance and lord in heaven knows THAT isn’t happening sober… so countless of calorie filled drinks were consumed.

Sunday: Mother’s day. Now, c’mon one knows you must celebrate momma’s day with cooking! There was steak and potatoes and corn oh my! Which wouldn’t be too much of a problem, if I wasn’t a total moron and bought the woman a cheesecake in honor of being a great mom. Consuming cheesecake for any celebration concerning my mom is a must, a tradition, and you can’t knock tradtion.

You think the madness would end there. But oh no, Monday. absolutely no better.

Well first off, Monday was my three year anniversary with the most fantastic boy in the world. In addition to some homemade gifts and a trip to the aquarium (!!!!!!) I was also treated to a dinner at the Nodding Head Brewery. I even tried to be good, Turkey Burger all the way and then we saw it. Just sitting there on the menu, all decked out with fancy succulent words… The Baked Man n’ Cheese. DUN DUN DUN. Well needless to say, we got it, we ate it and by the time I was into my third bite I was telling Joe that’d if I could marry this food and bask in it’s tasteful glory forever, I’d do it,

Did I mention I graduate Thursday? We are celebrating with the family at Gallo’s (a delish seafood restaurant in N.E. Philly) and continue festivities at the Grey Lodge where there will be a lot of celebratory beer.

Sigh. It starts for real next week.

Lauren

Size Matters… According to Marie Claire

“It’s not easy being chic, but it’s an epic struggle when you’re a big girl.”
—Ashley Falcon

Ashley Falcon, Blogger and Plus Pashion Expert for Marie Claire

Ashley Falcon apparently always wanted to be a fashionista. Her “Big Girl, in a Skinny World” column debuted November 2009 in Marie Claire, a fashion magazine geared more towards the petite and invisible. In her column Falcon, sized 18, offers savvy fashion advice for girls to work what their momma gave them and play up the body features they have. Mostly, Falcon suggests how to work accessories, since they have no size tag, and the “correct” way to wear your hair and fix your make up to shave 10 lbs off of your face.

On Saturday April 24th, I stood in the King of Prussia Mall tears streaming along my face. I spent hours (literally HOURS) looking for something to wear for an award ceremony that Wednesday in the recently opened “Philadelphia Outlets” (i.e. Limerick Outlets, but whatever). I went through rack after rack of clothing, looking for something cute, chic and professional to where to the event. After trying on countless of clothes either to snug, to old lady like or down right no-fucking-way-that-is-a-size-16, I began to feel sheer panic. Everything I was trying on, literally everything, was not fitting right. Even the plus size stores I went to fit me all wrong. My poor mother, who volunteered to accompany me on this hunt pulled out clothes my grandmother wouldn’t even wear, simply because they would “fit.” By the time we desperately hit the mall, I lost it. I felt F-A-T. Defeated. To gross to grace any one with my presence. I looked at her with tear filled eyes and said aloud something I never actually uttered before.

“I feel too fat to be alive.”

My mother is a plus size woman as well, we are the same size, my mom is way prettier than I, and she isn’t one t get warm and fuzzy in public. I expected a “Oh Christ Lauren stop being over dramatic!” Instead she actually stroked my hair and said, “I know what you mean.”

Seriously? WTF people. No one should feel to fat to be alive, feel like the world is against them.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: well, what about the Plus Sized stores? To you, I send a polite F.U.

Plus size stores and sections can be a load of total bullshit. First of all, I get I am in the minority (not really USA, most obese country ever) but really, why do I need my own section? I mean I get that a size 25 and a size 2 are vastly different but do I need to be alienated and shoved behind the shoe department to get my clothes? If they are the “same clothes” why must I have an entirely separate shopping experience? I’ll tell you why: the clothes aren’t the same. Oh no. Cute floral print dress I pine after in “Misses” section of the world… your equivalent in the Plus World is a is either a black, blue or brown (yes retailers believe wholeheartedly that these are the ONLY colors plus woman want, read about it in my PRH interview with Carol, a plus size boutique owner) boring little number that sags in all the wrong places… at least 9 times out of 10.

Just because I am big, doesn’t mean I want boring clothes. Or even worse, clothes detailed in obnoxious glitter and spray paint (i.e. Deb Shop circa early 2000′s).

Even though cute places like Torrid and Lane Bryant exist, um, do YOU want to pay $38.50 for a tank top? Granted you will if your desperate enough, but since desperation shouldn’t exist when it comes to shopping… didn’t think so.

Plus Model for Torrid

I mean, I don’t walk around naked, I obviously do find things, and often look pretty damn cute too. But I am lucky in a way, I have an hourglass figure under these lumps and rolls, where my butt and breasts are proportional and defined. Imagine is you are a Plus Pear? It’s a tough fashion world out there baby.

Falcon offers a lot of tips on her weekly blog on how to make the skinny world around you work.  Her tips for how to wear print are great:

1. The Dark, Abstract Print
I pair this top with just about anything in my wardrobe. In this instance, I had just come from a meeting and was wearing it with a pair of black rolled-up trousers. Darker abstract prints are all-occasion appropriate!

2. The Watercolor Floral
This print is a springtime favorite! It can easily be paired with a pair of jeans or a pencil skirt. A colorful print helps to break up the monotony in an all-black outfit and can bring life to your wardrobe.

3. The Tribal Print
This tribal look is so of the moment. I have seen this pattern on just about every runway and every starlet lately, and it is always nice when us curvy girls can get in on the fun! While I love this skirt, it must be said that the blazer is what really ties the outfit together. (It creates a nice long line in the center.)

My only qualm is: why is it titled in the section “Size Matters?” Shouldn’t we be springing for something a little more positive then this?

In other news my food log is pretty scare today, which is a good, rare thing. Cheerios and Strawberries this morning… however I did cave for a delicious everything bagel with cream cheese for lunch.

Lauren Gordon

I Found a New Hero…

… therefore new inspiration!

So OKAY, I messed up. I fell off the wagon. The diet wagon anyway. I was feeling all self  destructive and deprecating. I need to get back on track. Mostly because I don’t like being a whiney bitch about my appearances, and I want to buy a sleeveless dress guilt free.  What made me change my mind and got me aboard the diet train once more?

I was stumbling around Barnes and Nobel when I heard a group of plump gals gossiping:

“‘Bitter is the New Black?’ huh, that must be about a man!” exclaimed plump pretty number one.

A slew of cackles ensue.

“Well you know that’s the truth,” pronounced plump princess two, “look at this, ‘Such a Pretty Fat’ huh I wonder what this is about…”

“Probably some fat bitch complaining about their lives…” explained plump pretty number three.

A round of “mmmhmm’s” take place as they walk away to attack the next end-cap of books.

I pick up Jen Lancaster‘s copy of “Such a Pretty Fat” and leisurely lean against the shelves to read through the first few pages. About twenty-five pages later I have already snorted with laughter and felt relief at seeing MY feelings written in book format. With her witty sarcasm and extensive, wonderful use of footnotes I hustle to the register and make the book mine. I appropriately devour in two days.

Jen Lancaster is a self proclaimed narcissist, who despite being a Size 26, absolutely loves herself. She sees no reason to change or any reason to feel insecure, until her doctor gives her the hard and fast facts of morbid obesity and the negative effects that it has on the body. Through hilarious dieting failures and exercises successes, Lancaster chronicles her journey to a healthier her.

I have two reactions:

1.) Elated and inspired to restart my own journey. To approach it with a new found zest for being healthy rather than all self conscious, image obsessed.

2.) Extremely pissed off, because I was hoping I’d have a “Julie/Julia” success story where my blog would turn into a best seller and then of course a block buster  and that bitch already wrote my story.

Well, not really, because Lancaster did it wonderfully, and I have her to thank for getting me on track.

So here is the plan: bike riding, gym training and portion control learning are my next few goals for the summer.

Any suggestions?

I promise I am here to stay baby, and September is approaching mighty quickly!

Lauren Gordon